Healing Is Not About Getting Rid of the Pain - It’s About Expanding Your Capacity to Hold It

In our culture of quick fixes and instant relief, healing is often misunderstood. Many people seek therapy, self-help, or spiritual practices with one hope in mind: to get rid of the pain. The belief is that once we’ve “healed,” we will no longer feel sadness, fear, or grief. That these emotions will be erased, leaving only peace and happiness behind.

But true healing doesn’t work that way.

Healing is not about eliminating pain—it’s about expanding your capacity to hold it with presence, compassion, and strength. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort without being consumed by it and allowing pain to exist without it defining you.

This shift in perspective can change everything.

The Illusion of "Getting Rid of" Pain

When we experience emotional suffering—whether from trauma, loss, or deep-seated wounds, our instinct is to resist it. We want the pain to go away as quickly as possible.

We distract ourselves with work, screens, or endless busyness.

We numb ourselves with food, substances, or unhealthy relationships.

We blame ourselves, thinking we should be “stronger” or “over it by now.”

But the truth is, pain is not something to be conquered. It is something to be integrated.

Pain is part of being human. We cannot selectively numb our difficult emotions without also numbing our joy, love, and connection. When we chase the idea of “getting rid” of our pain, we are actually cutting ourselves off from our own depth, our own growth, and even our own resilience.

Healing Is Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

Rather than seeking to remove pain, healing is about building the inner strength to hold it without being overwhelmed.

In trauma therapy, there is a concept called the Window of Tolerance—the zone in which we can experience emotions without shutting down (hypoarousal) or becoming overwhelmed (hyperarousal). When pain feels too big to handle, it means our window of tolerance is narrow.

Healing is the process of widening that window so that we can sit with our emotions without collapsing under them.

Instead of anxiety taking over, we learn to breathe through it.

Instead of grief swallowing us whole, we learn to hold space for it.

Instead of shame paralyzing us, we meet it with curiosity and compassion.

As we expand our ability to hold discomfort, pain no longer controls us. It simply becomes another experience we can navigate with wisdom.

How Do We Learn to Hold Pain?

If healing is about increasing our capacity for pain rather than eliminating it, the question becomes: how do we build that capacity?

1. Slow Down & Feel It, Instead of Running From It

Pain intensifies when we resist it. The paradox is that when we allow ourselves to fully feel our emotions, without judgment, they begin to move through us instead of staying stuck.

Try this: The next time you feel overwhelmed, pause. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Instead of pushing the emotion away, ask:

• Where do I feel this in my body?

• If this feeling had a shape, color, or texture, what would it be?

• What does this part of me need right now?

Simply naming and noticing your emotions with curiosity can help them feel more manageable.

2. Strengthen Your Nervous System Through Somatic Practices

Because pain is not just mental but also held in the body, we need to work with the nervous system to increase our ability to hold emotional distress.

Try this: Grounding and regulation techniques like:

Deep belly breathing (activates the parasympathetic nervous system)

Self-holding (placing a hand on your heart or belly for comfort)

Gentle movement (walking, stretching, or shaking out tension)

Orienting (looking around the room to remind yourself you are safe)

These simple practices signal safety to the nervous system, making it easier to stay present with emotions instead of shutting down.

3. Change the Narrative: Pain Does Not Mean You Are Broken

One of the biggest shifts in healing is reframing pain as part of the human experience rather than a sign that something is wrong.

Try this: When painful emotions arise, remind yourself:

• This is not a setback; this is part of my growth.

• I can feel this without it consuming me.

• My emotions are waves and I can ride them without drowning.

The more we shift from fearing pain to holding it, the less power it has over us.

4. Let Others Help You Hold the Pain

We are not meant to carry pain alone. One of the most healing experiences is co-regulation— allowing someone else to be present with us in our pain.

Try this: If you are struggling, reach out to someone who can hold space for you—a therapist, a trusted friend, or a loved one.

• Let them witness you, without needing to “fix” anything.

• Allow yourself to receive comfort, rather than always being the strong one.

• Remember: being held in our pain teaches us how to hold it ourselves.

Healing Is Learning to Hold All Parts of Yourself

The goal of healing is not to become a person who never experiences pain. The goal is to become a person who can hold their pain with love, patience, and strength.

You are not broken for feeling deeply.

You are not weak for struggling at times. You are human.

And your ability to hold pain, without being consumed by it, is a testament to your resilience, not your failure.

The pain never had to go away for you to be whole.

Would you like guidance in building your capacity to hold emotions? Therapy, somatic work, and nervous system healing can help. Reach out and take the first step toward embracing all of who you are.

Healing is not about avoiding pain. It’s about learning to hold it and still live fully. 

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